In an ideal world, major Christian holidays wouldn’t fill me with self-doubt and alienation. Take this past season of Lent. I abstained from a lot of the apps on my phone and managed to use the Book of Common Prayer to pray through some of the holy days. But as usual, it was less than I wanted to do. Less than I assumed God wanted me to do.
Less-than. It’s how I often rate my spirituality.
That sense of inadequacy a long-running pattern. In college, I felt guilty that I spent only 20-30 minutes to do quiet times when friends seemed to fit in an hour or more. After college, going through a crisis of faith, I abandoned the Bible altogether, and felt sure it was giving me the side-eye from its dusty place on my bookshelf. And once I had kids, my time squeezed out like toothpaste from a tube, I felt terrible about how hard it was to practice spiritual disciplines at all.
My most consistent spiritual discipline has been shaming myself about spiritual disciplines. Is that really what God wants for me?
Shame takes a lot of mental energy. It also makes spending time with God seem like a chore, something I do because I should, not because I’m legitimately thirsty. Shame is incredibly corrosive.
Here’s what’s crazy: the shame is a lie. I’m not in charge of my spiritual life; Jesus is. I’m not responsible for healing and change; Jesus is. And even if I don’t feel adequate, Jesus most certainly is.
Turning over that shame to him is a work in progress, though. Here’s how I’m practicing…
I’m at iBelieve again this month, talking about my tiny discipline of asking God for help. Won’t you join me?
On Homemade Resistance…For Ready Magazine
Great essay Heather! I agree with all you say. We don’t have to strive, we have the Holy Spirit. Christianity is not a legalistic religion like Judaism and Islam. It’s based on the infused love of Christ. It’s a two-way process. God loves us and sent Christ so that we would be nearer to the deity, so God is not a remote forbidding figure. Moreover, we are redeemed through the Cross and promised eternal salvation. God is love, so we must live in love through the teachings of Christ and the power of the Spirit, to do God’s will on earth through love of neighbour and various ministries (you can guess from the spelling that I’m English). Prayer and quiet times are essential for every Christian, along with daily Bible study. I am not in favour of ‘methods’ of prayer or Bible study. A rule of life and spiritual disciplines should be kept to a minimum, not elaborate and demanding. That’s legalism. We should simply rest in God, be still and acknowledge Him who made us. Keep it simple. I’ve recently rediscovered the Book of Common Prayer (the 1662 version as used here in England, not the Episcopal edition). I find its adaptability, simplicity and the beautiful cadences of the language very uplifting for daily prayer, morning and evening. A new beginning in the Spirit is always revitalising. The down-to-earth School of St. Peter spirituality is what I am attuned to, but each to his own. I say again, KEEP IT SIMPLE! Nice to have found your blog Heather. Blessings to you. Colin Markham.
Glad you’re here, Colin! I LOVE the BCP. It’s so refreshing to have a rich rhythm of prayer that isn’t dependent on my cleverness 🙂
And I’d agree that Christianity isn’t a faith of legalism–but I’d say that too often people twist it into that. Recently there was a great post on the Mudroom by Diana Gruver, recounting the Grand Inquisitor story from the Brothers Karamazov. The Inquisitor tells Jesus the Church doesn’t need Him anymore because people don’t actually want freedom. It’s easy to twist our amazing grace into heavy yokes.
I think we are on the same wavelength Heather. I would turn that story around a little and say that at times I have rejected the Church because it’s an obstruction. It’s like wanting to release yourself from an ecclesiastical strait-jacket. There’s too much in the way between me and Christ. In many churches it’s about power and control. I yearn for the simplicity and naturalism of the early Church that we read about in the New Testament, before priests and altars were grafted on from Judaism and the Church became imperialistic in its ambitions. And if people embrace the Christian faith they should stay there within the fold, not break out to see if the grass is greener in other pastures – e.g. Buddhism and New Age fads – or worse, import those ideas into their faith. Being Christian means putting Christ at the centre of your life. He is sufficient. So, no deviations: no obsessions with Mary and the saints, no transcendental meditation….just Christ. He is the key that makes sense of it all.
Hey, Colin, yeah, the imperialism hasn’t helped us. Praying that we both know how to depend on Jesus for all things and be grafted into His presence.