I heard you are a Christian correct? same here. So I have a problem.
I’m a Christian girl and I go to school with this guy. Previously he said he liked me but I turned him down. But when I seen him at school I realized that I might possibly like him. There’s only one problem he’s trans. And me and my family are Christian. I really don’t know what to do. Plz let me know what you think. Thank you
From,
Confused Christian?
Dear Confused,
Thanks so much for writing in. Yes, I am a Christian! I love that people are gossiping about my love of Jesus!
You ask a big question! I see a few complex issues at stake.
1. What is safe for you and this guy?
2. What is the most kind and loving way for you to act on your feelings?
3. What are your beliefs about how trans people fit into God’s Kingdom? Is that the same or different than your family’s? If so, why?
1. I am assuming you’re under 18 and still living in your parent’s house. (My answer would be different if you were an independent adult). Sometimes, it is not safe for kids to be out (or to date trans people) if it will make their parents angry.
Trust your gut on whether or not you are safe. if you aren’t sure, I would counsel you not to involve yourself. Even if you were to date the boy secretly, there is every possibility your family could find out. Your safety is really important.
2. When you go out with -anyone-, it’s important to treat them with love and respect. Well into my twenties, I didn’t always keep that first in my mind. When someone liked me, I’d think a LOT about whether dating that person would work for me…and not much about how my actions affected them.
I wish I had learned earlier that when you consider dating someone, it’s just as important to ask: am I being respectful to this person? Am I stringing them along or using them to feel good about myself? Am considering their well-being when I make choices about them?
If this guy already approached you once and you turned him down, it’s important to make sure you’re not running hot and cold. So sit on this “I might possibly like him” feeling for a while.
In the meantime, get to know him better. Be a good friend to him. Don’t rush into declaring maybe-possibly feelings unless you’re sure of them. Otherwise, you risk being a jerk.
3. You say in your letter “There’s only one problem he’s trans. And me and my family are Christian.”
So I would ask: what exactly is the problem with him being trans and you and your family being Christian?
I’m not saying that to be difficult. I mean, I think I know what you mean: a lot of Christians believe being trans is not God’s best for people. And so: if you and your family are Christians that believe that, and you date him, you would be…well, going against God’s will.
But I know a lot of Christians who do not equate “trans” with “going against God’s will.” They do not think being trans or dating a trans person is a problem at all.
So the important question is: which kind of Christian are you? And why? Also: Which kind of Christian are your parents? And why?
And most importantly: what kind of Christian do you want to grow into? And why?
I can’t answer those questions for you. (I’m still on a journey to answer them for myself!!) But I will say I used to be one of the Christians who equated “trans” with “problem” and am now in the latter camp.
Here are some of the questions I asked that affected me most:
- Do I know trans people and do I love them as Christ commands us to love our neighbors? Have I treated “being trans” as an “issue” instead as an actual experience of human beings who God loves desperately? Have I taken the time to listen to actual trans people’s stories (at the very least in books or on YouTube) to actually understand their point of view?
- Jesus says we should judge a tree by its fruit. Has viewing being trans as a problem blessed trans people (according to them)? Does it help them flourish, connect to God, their families, and to churches, if they belong to them?
- Likewise: Has viewing being trans as a problem blessed cis people? Has it made us more loving? More empathetic? More humble? More welcoming?
- As far as I know, there’s really only one verse in the Bible that directly relates to trans people (not about same-sex intercourse in general), and that’s Deuteronomy 22:5. It’s about how men are not supposed to wear women’s clothing. What are the other verses in that chapter? Do I follow those, and if not, why not? How do I judge what’s important now, and what’s cultural for the Israelites? (Rachel Held Evans’ Year of Biblical Womanhood is a wonderful, funny book that explores this dilemma.)
- There are more verses in the Bible ostensibly about homosexuality…and I do think as Christians we need to grapple with them. But if you conclude (as I did) that a lot of our theology about gay people has not borne very good fruit, then it’s important to take a look at those verses and seek some understanding of how that could be the case. I found Justin Lee’s book Torn and Matthew Vines’ book God and the Gay Christian helpful on those fronts. You could also look up videos they’ve done on YouTube.
I hope that helps, Confused! Thanks again for trusting me with this big question.
Heather
