Dear Awkward,
My 23 year old son failed out of college last year and has been half-living his life since. He had a job as a sales clerk at a local sporting goods store, but then he got falsely accused of something and he quit. Then he went back to school for a little bit, but now he is sitting around my house not working, or going to school, or anything. He doesn’t party or use drugs or even drink alcohol.
I know he doesn’t want this lifestyle for himself, but if I push him at all he gets upset and hurt. Last time I really laid down the law over this, he became very depressed and became a complete hermit. I know I should probably kick him out of the house or demand that he make something of himself, but I am very afraid that he will get into a lifestyle that will be very harmful, hurt himself, or never speak to me again.
I know what my own father would have done had one of his children pulled this. But I just don’t have it in me.
He really is a great guy but he really does not know what else interests him or what to do for his life’s work. The situation is embarrassing.
Sincerely,
TLC
Dear TLC,
Within six months of graduating from a good college with honors, I was staying up until 2 am watching bad movies on a bootleg connection to Showtime, sleeping till eleven AM, and generally acting like Strong Sad. Not long before, my parents had kicked me out (mostly, they said, because of my bad attitude). I was living in an ugly house with strangers. My rent check had recently bounced due to bad account management. I did not have a job or any prospect of one. I was freaking terrified.
Did I mention I was depressed? That probably goes without saying.
All this to say: I have a lot of compassion for your son and you. If my daughters ended up unemployed, aimless and watching illegal late-night movies, I would be pulling my hair out. But I also remember the sheer weight of depression, how it pooled into a mire around my ankles. I know that depression doesn’t care how well-meaning you are, or how much you want to do better. It steals, and steals, and steals.
A few things made me deal with the depression, turn off the television and get a job.
- My parents kicked me out of their house.
- I felt the existential terror of becoming homeless if I did not figure out how to manage my life.
- I let go of my assumption that some jobs were beneath me.
- My therapist walked me through applying for a crap job at a restaurant because doing anything unknown terrified me.
In other words, I think you ought to start with the assumption that whatever propels your son into adulthood will involve real pain, real terror, and real risk for both of you. That isn’t a failure on either of your parts. It’s a feature of real life.
Let’s start with some general guidelines. The first is this: if you continue providing anything for your son, pay for therapy. I was so incredibly lucky to have a therapist guide me as I managed depression. I might have died otherwise.
Please, please, prioritize getting him some professional mental health care. If he is not currently in counseling, change that, and make attending it a condition of him staying in your house/help with rent/security deposit/whatever. If he is in therapy already, keep paying for that even if you decide to stop paying for other things. It really could be the difference between him surviving this transition into adulthood and harming himself. If you can’t afford therapy, look into group counseling sessions, support groups, counseling through your employer, or lower-cost online therapy. But make sure you look for something. Depression is treatable, but can be fatal. He needs help and support as he manages this huge life change.
Second, learn about how to draw appropriate boundaries with your son. I would really recommend the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. It clearly lays out how Christian love is not a wishy-washy permissiveness, but instead a clearsighted, brave willingness to expect the best of other people. I’d also seriously consider getting counseling for yourself to figure out the difference between loving support and enabling.
As you draw those boundaries, lay down your desire to be liked. Your son will almost certainly be resentful, upset, and angry if you draw clear boundaries, such as telling him he needs to get a full-time job or course load as a condition of living in your house. Do it anyway. The very best chance your son has to thrive is for you to lovingly and kindly expect him to act like an adult.
Third, do not punish him for his anxiety, depression, bewilderment, or anything else. Instead, come alongside him with love, even if that includes telling him he needs to find a new place to live.
Being punitive is the hallmark of abusive actions. If you say, “I’m so angry at you for being a slob and a screwup—get out of my house,” that’s punitive. It’s very different if you say, “I see you’re struggling to take steps forward into adult life. I’m afraid that living here is only keeping you stuck. I want to help you thrive. You need to have a plan to get a job and/or move out in [some reasonable time limit].” That’s not abusive—that’s good parenting.
It is okay to ask him to move out, get a job, go to school, or contribute to the household. It is not okay for you to shame him for struggling. If you demonstrate kind firmness and hopefulness as you speak to him, you are much less likely to have him resent you for kicking him out later.
Finally, ask Jesus to help you let go of your embarrassment. Your son’s struggle and poor mental health are not unusual, and not something to take personally. Let go of your assumptions about your son’s future. He doesn’t need to find his “life’s work” right now. He needs to just learn to care for his very basic needs. Any job is honorable if it allows him to pay rent and put food on the table.
Let go of needing him to “make something of himself.” Place your ambitions for him firmly in God’s hands, and then ask God to replace them with reality. Reassure him that a menial job is never beneath any of us.
Jesus is not in the business of setting Christians up for safe, shiny, middle-class prosperity. He’s in the business of making us whole, even if that means we don’t have a college degree or an impressive career. Let’s remember that Jesus’ family thought he was crazy, that the disciples were considered uneducated louts by the cosmopolitan people in Jerusalem, and that you do not put crucifixion on a resume. The Bible is full of people that would not get mentioned in their family’s annual Christmas letter.
The fact that your son is avoiding drugs, parties and alcohol in this dark period of his life speaks extremely well of his character and good intentions. Start acting like you trust him to find his way, no matter whether the neighbors will approve (fake it until that’s really true). Trust Jesus to be his guide, instead of you.
Don’t assume that current struggles necessarily predict his future. I was a mess after college—and every good thing that has happened in my life sprang from that morass. I needed to fail to know that God loved me no matter how successful I was.
If you can communicate to your son that you a) expect him to become an adult no matter how painful it is and b) love him no matter what kind of adult he becomes, I think you might be surprised what good things come out of this pain you’re both feeling.
I’m so, so sorry that your son and you are struggling, TLC. I pray that he’s safe. I pray you see him with love. And I pray that you would both take the big risk Jesus calls you to—to begin trusting God with your son’s future.
Awkward
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Dear Awkward: Help! My family is a crazy mess at church.