Dear Awkward,
My wife is late for almost everything we do. I am the type that believes, “If you’re not 10 minutes early, you’re 10 minutes late.” Marital discord has become a consequence. Any advice?
JimDawg
Growing up, my mom set our kitchen clock ahead fifteen minutes to help us leave the house on time. That was the theory, anyway. Both of us knew the clock was fast, so we did the math to avoid leaving earlier.
However, I married a man who did not use an alarm clock for the first twenty-five years of his life because he didn’t need one. He can stare at a clock before he goes to sleep, tell himself, “Wake up at seven!” and do so.
Talk about magic tricks.
Our early marriage was a constant struggle about punctuality, or my lack thereof. He won that argument hands down, JimDawg. I am now ridiculously prompt.
But in a different culture, say, in Mexico, me being late wouldn’t be much of an issue. A lot of countries function just fine without promptness. That is because promptness is not without its downsides. Speaking to missionaries I know who lived in Morocco most of their lives, they talked about how more flexible conceptions of time put people and community first. Ours puts the hands of a clock over connection with others.
I’ve witnessed the blessings of being relaxed about promptness first-hand. At one dinner I attended with some Mexican friends, we waited almost an hour until the last woman showed up. No one seemed angry at her; on the contrary, they said, “We could not possibly start without you.” I was moved by how valued her presence more than her promptness.
That same lack of hurry is pretty evident in Jesus’ ministry. My church just read the account of the healing of Jairus’ daughter. Jesus made that dude wait a long time in order to hear the story of another woman who needed healing. He was spectacularly unhurried.
All this to say: it is easy to assume promptness is universally virtuous, but it’s simply one option of many. And so, I think before you have more discussions with your wife, you need to start with some humility.
I would challenge you to ask yourself: are any of your wife’s strengths expressed through her lateness? Is her way of being in the world more people-centric, and less task-centric? Does she have an ease and lack of stress that others envy?
Turn the most generous eye towards her lateness that you can, and judge it fairly. What would happen if you tried to acknowledge her way as legitimate? What if instead of judging her as faulty or irresponsible, you tried to see if there are any blessings to her approach?
Also consider this: Punctuality is a skill that is hard for some people, through no fault of their own. Those with ADD and other brain differences struggle mightily with time management or other executive functions.
I’ve seen this in my own struggle with absentmindedness. My husband used to chide me for my forgetfulness until he realized that I really was doing my best. After years of being married and seeing me struggle, he began to simply ask if I had locked the door, turned off the stove, or remembered my medication. (Or, bless him, he’d just do those things without expecting me to remember). I cannot express to you what a relief for him to accept my shortcomings with grace. I try to do the same for his.
So ask yourself: is it more important for you the virtuously punctual person? Or to be a capable, supportive partner of your wife’s strengths and weaknesses?
All that said, JimDawg, I want to acknowledge we do live in a prompt culture; being late will annoy people. Chronic lateness can also be a sign of passive aggression or selfishness. Once you’ve tried to see your wife’s tardiness with abundant generosity, it is okay for you to decide you can’t make peace with being late “for almost everything we do.”
The key thing to do is decide, with as much grace as possible, what you can live with, and create a plan for those things you cannot. That kind of plan is also known as a boundary. You’d be well-served by reading a book on boundaries (I often recommend this resource for Christians).
For instance, for an event you really can’t stomach being late for, you might decide that you’d prefer to find your own ride.
You’d notify your wife ahead of time as kindly as possible: “I don’t like how angry and stressed I get when we’re late, so I’m planning ask Chris for a ride for Brian’s wedding. That way I can get there by 1:30 and I won’t care when you arrive. I’m open to other ideas if you have any.”
The most important part of boundaries is using them to solve problems, not to punish people. No name-calling, elaborate sighs, or guilt-tripping allowed. Own your own emotions and limits, and try to ad them. Don’t punish her or treat her like a child.
Boundaries are kind of like emotional jiujitsu. Rather than engaging in the same tired standoffs, you shift your weight in an unexpected direction. For better or worse, this can really throw your partner off-balance. Sometimes, they don’t like the shift at all; sometimes, it’s a relief for you both.
Try a new approach without rancor, and you might be surprised at how quickly the dynamic changes.
If you and your wife are locked in a poisonous dynamic of contempt, name-calling, passive aggression and blaming about tardiness, I’d really recommend some counseling—either a joint session, or a solo one for you. A good therapist can help you strategize how to set boundaries lovingly and effectively. We don’t have to put up with everything in a marriage, and it is okay to ask for your need for promptness to be taken seriously.
But start with humility, JimDawg. Start with seeing your wife with eyes of love. Good marriages spring from generous roots.
Photo by Hunters Race on Unsplash
