Not long ago, I wrote here about platform. (For those of you who don’t speak marketing, that’s the readership and reach of a particular writer). Some of my readership goals had stalled out, and I was struggling with my bitterness and fear about success and failure.
I got a bunch of kind comments, and also some emails and survey responses from readers who had good feedback for me. Keep going, they said. We appreciate you.
In one of those responses, my friend Johanna, (hey Johanna!) asked me, via email, what kind of person do you want to be as you grow your blog? Which is a very astute question. A big-picture question.
It took me a while to think through my answer, but when I did, realized that I want to be filled with gratitude for what I have. I want to focus on the manifold blessings my blog has brought me.
Do you know that I’m grateful for you, right this very moment? That if I never have a giant readership I will still be so glad I started this blog and wrote posts and got your comments and emails?
Because of you all, my words are of service to actual people. My words do not stop with me, but dance with the thoughts, experiences and questions of each of you.
Look, I’ve been writing since I got out of college almost two decades ago. I got an MFA and published in journals and joined critique groups and wrote and wrote some more, and it wasn’t until I met all of you that I started understanding what it felt like to get read. To have my words matter to someone beyond the credentials or publishing credits I gathered by publishing them.
How can I forget what a gift it is to have my words be part of a conversation instead of disappearing into a void?
Something about those emails filled me with a strange peace. Sometimes, numbers feel like numbers, but really, each number is a person. A person with joys and problems and questions who happens to read my work sometimes. There’s such intimacy in that, isn’t there?
It makes me wonder about where you with your dreams and goals and hurdles. Where are you feeling less-than? Where does that hurt of not connecting to people, getting traction on your ideas, or figuring out how to use your voice effectively leave you feeling bitter? I believe this Jesus is pointing us both towards a door that leads to contentment and appropriate influence. We are designed to have gifts and use them to help others, and expanding our reach is part of that. I really believe this.
All my thinking, and Johanna’s question, told me I needed to let go of my anxiety about numbers. Goal-setting has changed my life, but goals have limits. If they’re leading me towards bitterness, I need to let go of them.
So I decided to let go of numbers for a while.
For a grand total of two months.
In April, I went to this amazeballs writing conference, and talked to editors and agents about my book idea. That was pretty awesome. One of them, after reading through what I’d sent her ahead of time, waxed poetic about my writing and my ideas. How I clearly had the skill to publish.
But, she said, I don’t have the platform yet.
Or, at least, it’s a serious hurdle if I’m writing memoir. If you write a book about, say, baby-wearing, anyone wanting to get a sling will be on the lookout for your book. Memoir is person driven, so if you’ve never heard my name, why would you buy it?
I can decide to let go of my worry about numbers. But that does not erase the very real numbers-hurdle I have to get over. So where is the place of peace inside my dilemma?
How do I avoid getting into a funk about something when the problem isn’t going away?
And I decided telling you about this real hurdle and asking for your help with it was a place to start.
Here’s the honest truth: if I have more subscribers, I will find it easier to get a publisher for my book. Full stop.
So: If you like reading my stuff, would you subscribe to my blog here?
Or if you’ve already subscribed, would you encourage a friend you think would like my stuff to subscribe?
This number thing? It’s a big deal. But it’s not everything. And honestly, I’m not feeling bitter anymore. I’m feeling like there’s work to do, and I’m going to keep asking for help until I figure out how get it done.
How about you? What work do you need to do, faithfully, patiently, humbly, to be true to the gifts and calling God has given you? How can you do the hard work of trying again today?
It’s HARD. I’m with you. Let’s make it happen.
I’m Afraid of Seeming Forward: For SheLoves
I can only tell you this, I’ve read your blog off and on for a bit but recently, your posts have really connected with me. I subscribed a few months ago and am happy I did. I’ll be a cheerleader for you. Even this post spoke to me about goals, something I quite easily find my way around.;)
Debby, I notice your support and cheerleading, and it means a lot to me. Thank you 🙂
Personally I think your non-focus on numbers is healthier. You don’t *have* to have the numbers to be published, there are other options, other avenues, some publishers care less about these things. I think the main thing is to be true to yourself, your heart and your calling, and the way to go will open up. Forcing it just causes problems and pain. Be encouraged by what you were told at the conference about your writing, hold that close, but the numbers game? I don’t think it’s as important as it is made out. This reminds me of my current, shall we say, ‘conversation’ with God about trust, for me to be faithful in what God has asked of me and trust God to make the way before me as it is time. Some days it feels like those dreadful “trust exercises” of falling into arms you cannot see, but I keep coming back to me just doing my bit, my small steps of faithfulness.
“trust God to make the way before me as it is time.” This really ministers to me, Kathy. Thank you. Oh, I think you’re probably right about the numbers. Maybe for me the tension is between not focusing on them, but also being intentional with the things I can control (ie. seeking out new markets to guest post in, one of my periodic blog recalibrations, and being kind and having fun as I experiment). Experiment is the operative word, because it helps me try new things intentionally w/o fixating on results, which shreds me, generally. When I do this blogging thing well, I feel intentional and focused on serving my readers better–and that sometimes translates to bigger readership. Not always, but sometimes. Also: I struggle a lot with fear about submitting my stuff to bigger or new-to-me markets, and I have to be faithful to try what I can when I have the bandwidth to do it.
I read this today for Vespers: “Almighty and merciful God, in your goodness keep me, I pray from all things that may hurt me, that I, being ready both in mind and body, may accomplish with a free heart those things which belong to your purpose.” YES. That, Lord, for both me and Kathy. 🙂
Sending a link to your blog to my book discussion group because in sharing my journey with faith/doubt/church, I started talking about you and other bloggers who write about the same stuff we do, and they were like “Wow, those were bloggers? You talk about them like your friends. We want to be blog-friends with these people too!” So, not a huge contribution to the platform, but building your suburban Chicago fan club. haha! <3
Ha! I’ll take it. Yeah, I mean, numbers are great, but the actual experience of being in fellowship with you, and with Johanna, and with so many people i’ve met here and through writing is SO much more life-giving and important than any kind of “success”. I can be ambitious and intentional about platform, but it’s the REAL CONNECTIONS that make this joyful.
Tell them I need all the blog-friends I can get 🙂
<3 Totally agree! 😀
I do enjoy your blog Heather. I’ll try to comment and not stalk silently in the background in future.
Aw, shucks, thanks Elaine. I am often a lurker too (sending you a fist-bump 🙂
Was just sharing your blog the other day with my daughter when we were both talking about people we follow because of their “realness” in what they say and share, and how much more we relate to this than the “perfect” people that others seem to portray.
As always- thank you for your heart
aw, man, thanks!! I worked SO long to be as perfect as possible and it just SUCKS. so happy to put on my slippers and just be in my own life.
Yup, the longer I live the more I realise and appreciate that we are called to be ourselves, where we are, right now. And that means me being me, not trying to be someone else or even someone else’s idea of who Me is supposed to be 🙂 The realisation started when I started actually listening to Holy Spirit’s whispers 🙂
This just makes me happy. “when I started listening to Holy Spirit’s whispers.” YES.