Dear Awkward,
I’ve felt like a walking disaster since being in junior high around all the “churched” kids. I failed sword drills and just about everything since. But I love Jesus with all my heart and I know He sees the true me.
I married a Christian man who suffered greatly in his youth at church and has stopped going. My sons were all into X-games and didn’t fit in. They don’t want to go to church anymore after all the rejection and mean comments they received.
Now if I go, I just stand there alone with no one to talk to. You really need the family to be all in with you if you don’t want to look like a total failure. I’m pretty sure God is not going to say, “Well done, good and faithful servant”, but He is going to say, “Wow, Girl, that was a crazy mess!” ! I really struggle with why nothing turned out “perfect” even though I tried so hard. Can you help me understand what went wrong?
A Crazy Mess
Dear Awkward,
The other week, somewhat in jest, I told someone that church is a dumpster fire. Reading your letter made me regret saying that jokingly, because the churches you and your family have experienced have been ACTUAL dumpsters with flaming poop inside.
What church has done to your family makes me want to throw things.
And knowing you stood steadfast in the middle of the snide remarks, the subtle shaming, the lack of welcome, the hurt and the loneliness and held on to your love for Jesus makes me want to shine a spotlight on you and join all the angels in a round of applause.
I think Jesus is serenading you, too. I think he’s got a rose between his teeth.
Oh, dear sister. God does call you good and faithful servant. I’m sure of it.
And I wish—I WISH you were hearing this at church, or from your family, because then it would all be worth it, right? But the online applause of a self-appointed advice columnist does not go very far when you are alone, isolated, and grieving the fact that your family doesn’t want to touch faith with a ten-foot pole.
You ask why all this happened given how hard you were trying. I’m raising a glass to a member of the fellow try-harder club, of which I am a charter member. I am the queen of trying harder and feeling as thought the harder I work, the faster the treadmill under my feet runs. There’s no way to keep my balance, no way to catch up, no way to win.
I think Jesus is telling you (it’s hard to hear, since that rose is still between his teeth) to stop trying harder, and to begin doing as little as you can to fix things. Because the main way you have gone off track (and my general Achilles heel) is that you are trying to do Jesus’ job for him.
If there is going to be a redemption of this crazy mess in your family and church it will be God’s doing, not yours. You need to dial it way the heck back and start trusting in that.
First off, your current church. I’ll be honest, so far, I’m not a fan. Do you still have to go there? Seriously consider going someplace else. Or, take a break for long enough that you have some critical distance and can evaluate whether you want to stay. If your church is designed to welcome only those people who Have Their Shit Together, then Jesus has probably left by the back door. He tends to hang out with the riff-raff.
Look for a church with riff-raff in it, and you will probably find a safe place to be honest.
If you stay at your church, be careful. The standards, rules and judgement you are feeling there are not of God. Remember, we’re talking about a Savior who said, “Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? I’m here inviting the sin-sick, not the spiritually-fit.” Stay away from people who pretend Jesus grades on a bell curve. It is really hard to authentically depend on Christ’s power if everyone around you is in a spiritual beauty contest.
Now for your kids: forgive them for not being interested in church, and consider whether they need to forgive you. If you have pressured or shamed them about not wanting to go to church when they were not welcomed, apologize. There have been times that my kids have also been uninterested in church, and it made me panicky. That said, it is GOD’s job to be the ‘author and perfecter of their faith’. Tell them you are sorry, and then leave them alone.
“But what if they don’t follow Jesus?” you might ask.
That’s a really good question. One of the reasons I am so angry at your church is that their rejecting Jesus might be the end result of the shunning they experienced. Verses about millstones around necks spring to mind.
I will say this: I think God is paying attention when people are hurt by the church. I think God can put that right, somehow. But don’t add to your kids’ grief or estrangement from church by trying to plaster over their anger or disinterest.
Instead, find and model wholeness in your own relationship with Christ, just because you love Jesus. Don’t shove it down their throats or do it self-consciously. Just continue loving Jesus with all your hearts in front of them. I complained as a kid that my parents only liked classical music growing up, but as an adult, Beethoven makes my heart sing. You’d be surprised what gets imprinted when kids witness a genuine love affair.
As for your husband, consider whether you have really heard his grief or anger about church. Sometimes, that’s hard to do when it hits so close to home. If he wants to talk about it, or talk about where he is with belief or not-belief, listen without judgment.
Finally, try to set down the worry that your family appears a “total failure”. Every family is its own particular hot mess, and we make things worse by hoping the neighbors won’t see. Brené Brown’s Braving the Wilderness is an excellent resource for making peace with the actual family, life, and faith you have. If you have any homework, it is to work on this. Jesus calls us to be broken clay pots, not shiny Ming vases. You are not called to be anything other than a hot mess.
I’m still applauding you, Crazy Mess. Your letter is an inspiration.
Awkward
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Dear Awkward: Help! God said I would get married. I’m still single.