A while ago, I attended a party with some families I’m just getting to know. My youngest was the only toddler, but there were older kids, and several about my eldest’s age. The only outside place to play was right alongside a parking lot.
I headed out to supervise my younger one, but I was the only adult doing so. Truthfully, parking lot play makes me nervous, even with older kids.
And just as I stepped outside, I wondered: “If no one else is worried about this, should I be worried? Are they going to think I’m uptight?”
And then I realized I was worried about people judging me for keeping my toddler from running in front of cars.
Seriously?
Sometimes, I’d like to be sixty, or seventy, or eighty, because I’ve heard people say that the best thing about being older was not caring what other people think of them. I’d sign up for perma-press pants and orthotic-friendly shoes for that.
Of course, the desire to please others probably doesn’t disappear like magic when one wears bifocals. Surely that particular transformation comes from the long habit of thinking differently.
Here’s how I’m trying to acquire it:
- Toning down the labels. It’s tidy and helpful to be able to label myself–my relationships, behaviors, my preferences, beliefs. It’s even handier as a shorthand for pigeonholing others. And yet–the more I depend on these labels, the more I worry about fitting into those designations. I have to remind myself than I’m more than labels–even the biggies, like “parent” or “daughter” or “wife”. I will never fit comfortably into any category, because I’m not a category–I’m a person.
- Reserving judgement. Let’s just say that when I put “good” in front of one of those labels (a “good” writer, a “good” parent) I get a lot more worried about expectations. I’m trying to ask myself: how do I show love in _this_ situation (instead of what do people expect of me)? What solution works for me (instead of what’s the “right” solution)? What am I interested in now (instead of what’s most prestigious)?
- Taking care of myself. Am I pursuing the things I love, or am I holding back because I’m afraid of what people will think? Am I rested? Have I fed myself good food and good books? Do I have enough time to myself to give back to others? I can’t build my character when I’m running a deficit. I can’t treat myself kindly if, well, I don’t treat myself kindly.
- Accepting my faults as part of the package. I imagine people tipping their heads to one side, clucking their tongues. “Oh, that Heather,” they’ll think. “She’s always so _____”
But my flaws can’t be untangled from my strengths. I know this about my friends. I accept them for who they are. Can I be okay with the fact that I’m publicly, inevitably imperfect every day, in every interaction? And that truly no one expects otherwise?
How about you? How heavily do others’ expectations weigh on you? Have you been able to shed that particular hang-up?
I’m not going to hoard my dreams
yes, yes, yes. i often worry and wonder and invent the things people must be thinking of me. but recently, in the last year really, i’ve gotten better. i am rarely bothered or upset, i no longer seem to care. i’m not sure what flipped the switch or how it was done, i’m just thankful and finally at peace. it’s a good place to be.
ps: i’d have been watching my toddler in the parking lot, too 😉
Oh, good! I’m always so excited to hear about people (women especially) crossing to that Great Place of Truly Not Caring. That sounds sarcastic, but it’s really not.
Maybe recognizing it for what it is could be a first step for me? Maybe the rest will follow quickly and easily, like the second and third pedals when you learn to ride a bike?
I’ve always cared too much about what people think. But I would have been standing right there with you in the parking lot!!
That parking lot is feeling cozier all the time 🙂
I think toning down the labels is such an important part of growing as a person. Removing labels allows for expansion, which I think inevitably allows us to get to the point that we don’t care what other’s think. Embracing our so-called flaws is also important. I am incredibly stubborn and this may be considered a flaw to some, but as long as I use it for good (like a superpower) then it can be a positive trait. My stubbornness means I don’t give up and keep pushing myself. I never would have accomplished the things I have if not for that “flaw”.
Thanks for visiting, Jacki–and yes, I so hear what you’re saying. Yes, the flaws are definitely double-edged swords. Seeing them as that–as powers that can be used for good–might also help me be honest about who God has created me to be, and really owning who I am, instead of desiring to be someone different.
BTW, I love the focus of your blog–the list of things you’re working towards. Go you!