I wanted to believe I wouldn’t panic.
I started a writing project with a lot of anticipation and excitement. I felt oddly optimistic. I had reasonable expectations, was excited to try something new, and felt thankful for the habits of mind (journaling, weekly prayer with a friend, writing habits, and breath prayer) that have helped me combat my habitual anxiety. Plus, I have a new mantra: baby steps! Surely I won’t repeat old patterns?
Do not go gentle into the crazy-making, I told myself. Just don’t go there.
And then, like Peter walking across the water, the floundering started.
The weird thing is, it started after a lot of good stuff happened. For about a week, I was stoked. Then I started hyperventilating.
“Who do you think you are?” my little soul-gremlins whispered.
Every time I sat down to write, I felt hopeless. Every time I thought about the project, I felt dejected. Clearly, I don’t have the know-how, skill, platform, or insight to do anything, much less this. No one cared. What did it matter if I kept going?
Today this happened. Not last month. I am in the middle of this.
Oh, my friends, this is an old, old (old) pattern with me. It’s from waaay back, the anxiety I felt before elementary school science fairs, the clenched stomach I got in art classes in high school, the pit of despair I felt when looking for my first job, the PTSD when I felt a desire to read the Bible after a long time away, the existential terror I feel every time I try to do new things.
If you struggle with anxiety, if you are afraid to start new things, please know that you are my sister or brother.
Sometimes, it is hard work just to breathe.
Paying Attention to Anxiety
I’m trying to pay attention to this anxiety because I am done trying to pretend it isn’t happening. I am done trying to pretend I don’t sweat when I try something new. I am done trying to pretend I have everything figured out. That is the soul-sickness that has kept me from God for years. That is the self-mutilation that has kept me anxious and afraid.
No—the truth is I am a messy, broken, fearful person who is trying to learn to keep her eyes on the light, and it is not always pretty.
Now that we’re honest with each other about just how confident I’ve been feeling lately, here is what is keeping me sane:
1. Breath prayer.
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner. I say that all the way home from my girls’ gymnastics class. I will lie down and sleep in peace because you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. I say that as I’m worrying that my anxiety will keep me up for another night, even though I’m exhausted.
The thing about breath prayer is it is a turning away from the crazy-making thoughts towards the truth I need to cling to. It is an over and over reminder that my inadequacy is not a new phenomenon, and is, in fact, a blessed relief.
It is also very simple. Prayer. Breathe, repeat. I can handle that.
2. Routine.
I do the work.
I sit down and write on schedule. I do the laundry. I spend time reading to my kids. I answer email. I pray. I run a dust cloth over the furniture. Then I write some more.
When my writing is poor, I plug my nose and write crap when I am scheduled to. I am faithful about this, even when I feel shaky afterwards. I take comfort knowing that Anne Lamott calls them “shitty first drafts” for a reason. I write like it’s a school assignment I have no choice but to finish. I give myself an A for effort, every time.
When I feel blocked, I lower my standards, as William Stafford counseled.
3. I try to focus on someone other than myself.
This is hard. When I look at all the amazing writers out there on the Internet, I am tempted to pretend they do not exist. I read their lovely posts and I do not tweet them on purpose. I hope all those more-successful writers notice.
They don’t.
So today, I sit down and write some nice comments on other people’s blogs. I subscribe to their work. I send out a bunch of tweets saying how inspiring their posts are, because it’s true.
Afterwards, I notice my breathing is easier.
4. I remind myself I have a choice.
If a project makes me sick and depressed, I can stop working on it. If I stop feeling passion about it, I can stop. There’s no “should”. There’s no “have-to” except in my head. I am not a mouse caught in a trap. I am a beloved daughter, doing her best to be faithful.
I don’t want to give up. But I can choose to keep trying each day with gratitude, instead of telling myself I’m a despicable person if I do anything less than succeed wildly.
5. I focus on love. I think of the email I got from a twenty-year-old girl who said everyone thought she was fine but inside, she was screaming. That broke my heart a million different ways. She said over and over how she should read the Bible, but didn’t. That was me too. Sometimes that is still me.
You know what? I desperately need this book. Perhaps writing it, for me and one other person, could be a generous act of worship.
What Changed Today
Today, I feel better. Here’s what changed: I showed up, and I did some hard work, and it didn’t kill me. In other words, nothing outside me has changed—not my platform, or my penchant for anxiety, or the hard work that lies ahead of me.
What changed is I was faithful for another day. And that is nothing to sniff at. That, indeed, is all Jesus asks of us.
Here’s the truth I want to sing to you today: it is okay to realize that you’re afraid. It is okay to admit it. And it is a blessed, blessed thing when you can move forward anyway.
Each day holds a thousand invitations to step out of the handcuffs we’re used to. Can we hold hands as we drop our chains?
Image credit: Kristina Patenio
Thank you. This resonates with me today. It is good to know we’re not alone as we muddle our way through faithfulness. (A word that, your post reminds me, is less about accomplishments and more about loyalty.) I feel God speaking to me as I read your post; I’ve needed to hear from him, and I’m moved that he used the honesty and generosity of a stranger to reach me. He’s aware of you in the same way he’s aware of me. What a beautiful thing.
“A word that, your post reminds me, is less about accomplishments and more about loyalty.” And perseverance, and trust, and stillness. Yes! I’m so glad you were encouraged by this, Laura, and I pray that you have what you need for today to be faithful and loyal to Him.
Way to hang in there! God is faithful and gracious and will honor our desire to honor Him, even if all we can focus upon is doing the next thing. Your perseverance encouraged me to keep at it. Thanks for the transparency, very brave but I found that when we stop trying to hide the mess and own it (which does not mean wallowing in it or not trying to change it) we are free to focus on the important things. Blessings to you!
Thanks, Tammy! I’m so glad this encouraged you! That was my hope. I find these periods of anxiety and fear have less power over me if I pay attention, if I speak of them out loud, and if I am faithful in remembering what I know is true in my head, rather than just focusing on my fear.
Thank you for this today. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for several years, and wondering why I can’t get “past” it. I really appreciate your honesty in recognizing that the anxiety is there. Face it. but choose to do something anyway.
I’m in a new phase of life, without kids, and struggling to build structure into my days. Before I read the blog post today, I sat down and wrote out what I did today, and sketched out what I expect to do tomorrow. It’s a step.
Thank you.
Oh, Margaret–sometimes just deciding what to do is the hardest struggle of all, especially when you’re depressed. Thanks for sharing honestly here, and thank you for showing up. It sounds cheesy or easy to say that your gifts, your life matters. It sounds trite, but it’s TRUE. You showing up, and me showing up is needful and beautiful. I’m grateful to be in the battle with you.
Heather, I attended the Festival of Faith and Writing a couple weeks ago. Rachel Held Evans (someone whose blog and books I love, someone with an amazing platform) talked about how she felt two years earlier, sitting there wondering how she could possibly compete. How nobody would ever want to read her words. How she’d never be able to build her platform because who was she and what did she really have to offer? All she did was compare herself to the writers who were better, more established, etc. And then she said, “You know what? OK, I have thousands of followers now. I have two books under my belt. And not a single thing has changed.” I sat in the audience and cried. I’d been feeling all of those things. I’ve always been pretty confident, so it was a big surprise to me when I felt so much insecurity.
Yes, keep writing. Because this: “I desperately need this book. Perhaps writing it, for me and one other person, could be a generous act of worship.” It is true. Writing my book changed me and helped me find God again. So even if it doesn’t touch anyone else, its value is immeasurable. Write away. God has already given you every single thing you need to do this. And he will supply at each step along the way.
I love hearing you say this, Kelly, and I love hearing that Rachel said this too. It’s easy to know this intellectually, and harder to actually live it when you’re in the middle of insecurity. We’ll keep going, even when it’s scary.
Heather, thank you always for your honesty and openness. I am definitely your sister in the struggle with anxiety and fear of starting new things. Just this week I was able to admit in my journal for the first time the vaguest hint of a dream. And I am terrified. I am afraid of all the steps I need to take just to start to bring that dream into focus. I’m afraid to try and afraid of not trying. I’m afraid of failing and of what it might mean if my dream started to become a reality. Thank you for the reminder that I don’t need to conquer my fear and I don’t need to bury it. I can chose to show up each day, fear and all, and look for the next small step to take in faithfulness and trust.
Thanks, Johanna. It is so SCARY to have dreams! It is SO scary. I am right there with you. I find my self needing to lower my expectations, do things out of joy and play (instead of to “prove” myself) and to go as slowly as I need to go. These expectations we have of ourselves to do everything perfectly are deadly. Father, release us!
What a timing! Thank you, thank you for saying yes to God and persevering and articulating that process! Your words are balm to my soul! Willing myself to write these days I so needed to hear that faithfulness and obedience in little things is where I need to focus. Thank you, sister!
Karina, I pray you would find that faithfulness and obedience. May you be brave on the days that are hard. May you be blessed by showing up, every time. Praying that for both of us today!
Reading your post was the nudge I needed to write this afternoon instead of dozing… thank you! And I LOVED your list of what is keeping you sane… I needed that today!
Oh, Carolyn, I’m so glad. It’s so hard to take a small step when you’re nervous and anxious, but it feels so much better when we’re brave and do the little we can.
Hang in there! Love your heart and transparency. You have a beautiful way of shining light on deep heart-places and encouraging others with your vulnerability. Looking forward to reading your book because I know that will be such an integral part of it.
Thank you, Caitlyn. It is a little funny to admit this out loud; but well worth it for encouragement like yours. Sharing it has also considerably lessened my sense of anxiety. I’m so grateful for your support!
You wrote this post for me…..I needed to know I am not alone. I have dealt with anxiety my entire life. The fear, talking myself out of everything, ruminating thoughts that tell me I can’t do the thing I am trying to do. Thank you for this post….you have no idea how much we have in common….fear stopped me from writing my book.
Hey, I’m glad to hear this, and sad to hear this. Glad to know you feel less alone, and very sorry to know things are so hard for you right now. I also should tell you we’re both in very good company. I’m just now reading Shonda Rhimes’ book, Year of Yes (creator of Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal and How to Get Away with Murder) and she struggled with debilitating panic attacks for years. And she’s not alone, either.
Anxiety is common, and it’s TREATABLE. Things CAN get better. If you’re looking for a place to start, and you haven’t already read it, I have a free ebook that gives easy options. And there are even BETTER options out there if you want some suggestions. xoxox