I once got a respectful and fraught email from a (now former) subscriber. She said she was unsubscribing because of a swear word I used on a recent post—“shitty”. (And then last week, I didn’t censor that word in an interview…because I thought it was warranted.) My former reader mentioned the verse from Timothy about not having any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, and said she didn’t find it helpful to read swear words on blogs.
I told her I blessed her as she left, and I do. I am sensitive to all sorts of things in this world. There are children’s movies I avoid because they give me the heebie-jeebies (Coraline and Gremlins, I’m looking at you). I carefully avoid some news, images, stories, or TV shows because they make me anxious or keep me from sleeping.
So please know that if swear words just bring you to a dark place, I get it. You don’t have any obligation to listen to them, or read them, and I bless you as you go too.
But I think there’s a conversation to be had here about what exactly “unwholesome talk” is, and why I think sometimes swear words can be, well, wholesome. Even though every time I write one down, or even think of saying it, I go back and forth in my mind about eleventy-million times.
Curse Words Make Me Feel Safer Sometimes
Can I tell you something that’s both true and odd? Curse words helped save my faith. Really.
Especially hearing a Christian swear.
Even now, it does my heart good to hear a believer use expletives. I wouldn’t want a steady diet of it, but it makes me feel safer.
I think, “They are not going to judge me if I ask questions.”
Or, “They are trying to figure things out too.”
Or, “They have stopped trying to act perfectly “Christian.” Maybe their insides match their outsides. Maybe that’s safe for me too.”
Or “They are not a Good Christian. I might fit in with them.”
And it’s not the best guide in the world—some people who cuss are just not in control of their tongues—but it ain’t the worst one either.
It’s very, very, very important to me that people who have been hurt or abused or ostracized by the church feel welcome here, because I count myself among that number, and I desperately need a place to feel safe.
You. I’m looking at you: YOU are welcome here, and I understand and sympathize if sometimes church or the Bible or prayer or Christians or just life in general make you want to talk like a sailor.
When Niceness is Poison
The other half of reserving the right to use swear words is more important to me, and it’s this.
I have witnessed things in my life that cannot be described in polite language, and I have seen Church people paper over the sin with double talk, politeness, and theological rationalizations.
When I hear Christians being polite about things that are not polite, are heartbreaking and ugly and filthy and oppressive and wrong, when I hear people dance around those realities and describe it in Christian double-speak, when I see them use niceness as an excuse to not get angry, I go slightly insane.
In most Christian circles I worry more about the unwholesomeness of our politeness. About our euphemisms and our meaningless words, and spending our energy on being nice rather than speaking truth. I worry about cutting off the full range of human expression. I see Christians worry about word choice when the marginalized are crying out in anger.
I worry we ask them to tone it down when they are dying.
When I see children lose their innocence, or hear about callousness, racism, sexism, homophobia or abuse, and I see all that in the middle of church, I struggle to find words to describe it.
Sometimes, the best ones for the job might offend somebody.
The corollary to the Ephesian’s verse about not using ‘unwholesome’ words is this: “but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs”.
According to their needs.
I’m a spiritual abuse survivor. I’m crazy in love with Jesus, but the church in all its churchiness makes me nervous. I know there are others like me.
Swear words have built me up. I have needed them, and I know others do too. So I don’t want to forswear them completely—even if it loses me readers.
What about you? Do you think there’s a place for the judicious use of cuss words?
I feel like you’ve exactly expressed my thoughts on the matter, Heather. Every bit of this. I too recently had someone kindly suggest that I choose less crude language after a post of mine contained the word “damn,” and I appreciated where he was coming from… but I also appreciate where I am coming from: from the “unwholesome talk” that Christianese became to me through the years of spiritual abuse, from the sense of being trapped by the politeness that you write about, from a Grand Canyon of disconnect between my religious bubble and the real world. I write now as an expression of my freedom from those things, and when the honest expression of my heart is a swear word, I thank God again that I have the liberty to use it. (Just as my dear readers have the liberty to stop reading if they need to.)
“Grand Canyon of disconnect between my religious bubble and the real world.” Amen to this, Bethany. I don’t want to fully inhabit the secular world–I love how Christ informs my thinking–but I want to _learn_ and be _challenged_ by the gifts of the culture I’m in. Sometimes, I think freedom to use choice words to make a point and to express anger.
Hi Bethany, You do have the choice to swear but I believe God does not suggest we should take the liberty to swear. We all live with the liberty to chose to do right or wrong but there are always negative out comes because Scripture says clearly that we will need to account for every word that comes out of our mouths. Mt 12:33-37,Eph 4:29 etc. Paul warns us that our freedom is not what life in Christ is all about. I am totally simpathetic about the spiritual abuse stuff but living in the real world is also written about by Paul and he states that we should not be influenced by the world at all. The disconnect comes when we have not discipled enough to know how to communicate without reverting to falling into the Grand Canyon of being PC or messed up like the world. Christianese, I agree is part of the problem as Christians need to use words everyone understands without falling into the chasm. What a great environment we then create. Before becoming a Pastor I had a job with a lot of men working under me and when I left several of them told me that I had created a great working environment where they enjoyed the fact that they did not find it necessary to swear because of my influence. God is good.
Well put. If David were writing some of his Psalms today I have no doubt that they would include words that would offend people.
Hah! Love this, Derek. I was also thinking of Paul’s words in Phillipians about what he’s lost being “rubbish”. I just went and looked it up–the Greek word is “skybalon” which is a profanity in Greece–used in graffiti. This post was eye-opening: http://thinkhebrew.wordpress.com/2010/02/19/pauls-profanity/
I absolutely love this perspective! There certainly are suck ugly things happening in the world, and it seems so much easier to cover it up with diplomacy and ambiguity. Thank you for taking the time to verbalize and stand by this important truth – “Sometimes, the best ones for the job might offend somebody.”
Thanks, Sarah. I’m learning that my desire to please people and not offend anybody does NOT honor God.
Great read and I agree 100% I’m usually really careful about what comes out of my mouth and don’t have a huge problem with swearing, but sometimes the depth of evil and injustice in a situation merits it. We can’t keep denying that fact. And I like what Derek Smith says about King David’s Psalms. I definitely think some swear words would have found their way in there!
Yes, I’m careful too, and I think we SHOULD be careful. But thoughtful use seems justified to me.
Hi Jasmine. As I said to Derek, in spite of David’s extreme circumstances beyond any of ours, the fact is David did not swear and would not be drawn into that kind of behaviour. May be blessed in His presence and holiness.
Heather and the others that support her view on swearing. I have personally been through a life of extreme violence even to the point of my family being told I was not going to live. I have been also abused verbally, which is always marked by swearing, the beginning to destructive behaviour. I have trained both overseas and in my home country and I’m now a Pastor with 35yrs under my belt leading Churches and doing consultancy work with Churches as well. The Scripture is clear, very clear, not to do it. You know that and yet you want to justify your behaviour because of the past. If I am saved in Christ and am a disciple of His then I don’t do the things He said not to do and I do the things He said I need to do. That’s what a disciple is otherwise people can justify sinful behaviour because of their past. We might get away with this in certain circles but it is the edge of the wedge for some people, first its swearing, then its putting others down, then its violence and for some the next step is something far worse. Repentance is needed but an often avoided word in our world because we have been taught to justify wrong behaviour. Stopping and listening to God’s voice in a difficult situation is far more productive and beneficial to you and those that hear you. I’m asking you in the name of Jesus to desist as it will have consequences on someone and may be even more on you than you realize. It has to be God’s perspective. Bless you
Gary, I bless you, and I am so sorry for your experience with abuse. I absolutely hear you when you connect swearing to your past, and I appreciate your perspective on this issue. I want to take seriously Christ’s exhortation to be salt and light in this world. I never want to use swearing as a lazy way to express anger, and I don’t personally speak these words out loud as a habit.
But I am not sure I agree that Scripture is crystal clear on whether certain words are okay to say or write, ever. I just don’t think it’s that specific.
Anyway, I absolutely would not want to re-traumatize you; I understand and respect your need to stay away from this space if these words are troubling.
Greetings Heather. Its not about these words being troubling but about never being a stumbling block to others and in that being ‘holy as He is holy’ is a choice not an automatic response or a dragging into the present of negative thoughts or words. It is about Rom 12:1 where my mind is being transformed. The real question is would God be satisfied with your choices in whatever you say or do. I don’t run away because a person swears but will always know that as a brother in Christ that when an issue needs addressing that I have an obligation, in Christ, to make challenge people to purity and holiness as it is this space that real joy and peace will permeate out being as Jesus said we could have. Bless you.
“The real question is would God be satisfied with your choices in whatever you say or do.”
That’s a great question, but one that I think only God is capable of answering. I’m at peace about my choices in this matter. I know my own heart, and trust that Christ does too.
Gary, I respect your right to your opinion, but I am uncomfortable with your way of expressing it. You’ve posted a lot of comments here, overwhelming others’ opinions. You are offering a lot of prescriptions and advice when you haven’t personally walked alongside the people whom you’re counseling. I’m going to delete some of your comments, and ask that you listen respectfully now that you’ve shared your heart with us. It’s a big priority to me to have a safe space for people who feel judged by other Christians, even if that means not allowing all discussions to take place here. I’ll leave this thread up so that people can hear your point of view.
We all live with the liberty to chose to do right or wrong but there are
always negative out comes because Scripture says clearly that we will need to account
for every word that comes out of our mouths.
Mt 12:33-37 “Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of
the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will beacquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.”
Eph 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what
is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit
those who listen.
Rom 3:13-14“The poison of vipers is on their lips.” “Their mouths are full of
cursing and bitterness.”
Jas 3:6-10 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among
the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of
his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals,
birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by
man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly
poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse
men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise
and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.
Lk 6:43-45 “No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit.
Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from
thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the
good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the
evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth
speaks.
Thanks for this Heather! I love this line from Tony Campolo “I have three things I’d like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don’t give a shit. What’s worse is that you’re more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night.” Sometimes, the right word is the one that everyone thinks is the wrong word.
Love this quote, Lisa 🙂 This is EXACTLY what I’m talking about, and I’m glad to know Campolo said this better 🙂
I’ve just discovered your blog and read this post, and I totally get it. These days I find myself sometimes using words I wouldn’t have in the past because it is the only way to truly describe the foulness of what I’ve seen and experienced in the name of God.
By the same token, I’ve seen christians use the phrase, “Bless you” as if they were really invoking a curse. (http://livingliminal.blogspot.com.au/2014/10/is-bless-you-new-four-letter-word.html) Is it possible that God is actually more interested in what is in our hearts, rather than what vocabulary we use?
Im in tears. Church has broken my heart. So have I. I struggle to be myself and i struggle to love myself. I struggle to believe God loves me and I struggle to be grateful. I struggle because all i want to do is be constant in my relationship with God without feeling like a failure compared to all the perfect JESUS FREAKS.
Being a woman in Church is hard. Dressing like a good Christian woman in a way that shouldn’t tempt certain chauvinist so called brothers is hard.
having to deal with their remarks and refraining myself from punching them in the face os a struggle
Today i prayed and felt fed up.
then somehow i came across your blog and im still crying but i feel at home.
i feel like
Oh gosh at least SOMEONE understands.
im not an oversharer
but being a ‘Christian’ is hard in this life
it sucks a lot BUT having God/jesus/holy spirit
is necessary to navigate through it.
Ohenewaa, I’m sorry it took me this long to respond. I’m so sorry that the church has broken your heart. It has sometimes done the same to me. I pray you find safe spaces to feel normal–I know that simply writing words about this is helping heal my cynicism and open me up to the body of Christ again. Blessings and peace to you.
Crap! how else am I supposed to describe how I feel? I’m so sick of Christians and their self righteous behaviors and comments. They do much harm.
I’m glad I found your blog via Mary Demuth. Being a survivor of sexual abuse is not easy but life must go on.
It can be so disheartening to talk to Christians about real pain. I am so saddened to realize that more often than not, ‘church’ people are super-uncomfortable with grief, with poverty of any kind, with anger, and with real justice. (And sometimes, I’m sorry to say, I’m one of them.) I am with you in your anger about self-righteousness and hypocrisy.